Happy birthday Jack…
And here’s the one from four months… He wrote me one for five. We never made it to six.
On the occasion of four months,
I think we’re broken. And when everything’s falling apart in your life, this is the last thing I ever wanted to bother you with. But honestly, my heart is slowly breaking. Every time you tell me sorry, it tears a little more. I am definitely in love with you. If I weren’t it wouldn’t hurt this bad. But I can’t tell if you still feel the same way…
I just want to go back to the start when things were new. When you wanted to spend every afternoon with me. When we’d complain about the wind blowing my hair into your face, and we’d just sit in the back of our cars getting to know each other better. Things used to be so easy. Every minute felt like magic. Before AP rush, and finals and the copious amounts of work. And I understand, I really do. But now it’s your free time too… And you leave me for things like dinner, or babysitting. It feels like you don’t want to be with me. When every second I want to spend with you.
There isn’t a clever way to segue into this without sounding accusatory, and please believe me when I say I don’t mean to be. I never want to hurt you, no matter the pain you’ve caused me. But I have to know, am I worth the fight? It’s completely unfair to peg me up against your family. It’s not my place and no one should ever have to choose one or the other. And I’m never going to ask you to do that. But you don’t fight for me. I know if I ever were to end it that it would be over, you wouldn’t come running back for me. You have a tendency just to accept things as stated. You don’t fight for me. But a fight isn’t what I need. Your help is.
As human beings it’s a huge understatement to say we deal with things. We deal with freaking hurricanes. We all have times of need, and we all could use a rescue team from time to time. The fact the everyone in the world suffers with something isn’t a unique fact. But I’m there whenever you need my help. I am terrified of falling back down the rabbit hole. I spent years making myself strong enough to block out all the hurt and pain. People couldn’t even physically touch me. Not until you… You brought down the wall. We both have so many problems. That’s okay. Everyone has problems. But I need your help right now.
I don’t do alone very well. I used to just fine, but I’ve become dependent on you, on everybody. Well, I never did fine, but I grew accustomed to it, I dealt. In the middle of July I’m being left for two weeks… I couldn’t even deal with a week in solitude in Cancun. That was paradise. This is an empty house. How the hell am I supposed to handle this. The one difference is I have friends here that I can rely on. I have the greatest of friends. Friends who love and care about me, who I know will be there to help no matter what happens.
But will you be there…? I’m sorry to place you in this situation but I need to know, can you be there for me? If you can’t the metaphorical door is that way. I just can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much too often. You matter so much to me and I want to fix this, but something has to change. I’m done crying over you. No man is worth my tears, what makes you worth a river?
I just wanted to post this here so I’ll always have it… It’s the letter I wrote him for three months… Even though this is 3+ months old and we’re done with, I still can’t help but to feel this way about him. Tomorrow’s his birthday.
On the occasion of three months, I can’t believe it’s already been this long. Three months has got to be a new record. In fact, every second is a new record. I’m not capable of sustaining things, at least I didn’t think myself every capable. Like I’ve told you before, my longest relationship lasted sort of a month. But it was with Jason and it was eighth grade, so it really doesn’t count… But with you, Jack, it’s been more then possible. You are phenomenal. Absolutely and utterly phenomenal.
People tease me that I’m dating the perfect guy, and quite frankly they’re right. You are more than perfect. In every single way. You’re so incredibly kind and considerate in everything you do, you care about me, and we have loads of fun together. I love spending time with you. It’s like a drug, and I’ve become addicted. Like all people, you have your minor imperfections, your flaws. But just so you know, most of them exist only in a state of mind, you’re honestly near perfect. Folks would kill to fill my shoes. You really know how to treat a lady, make her feel special. The few times you didn’t, you fixed it right away and practically nullified the situation.
You are truly amazing. I mean you put up with me, and I’m such a difficult and challenging task. I would be the poster child for needy girlfriends. But you’ve never once complained, you’ve always been by my side helping me tackle whatever problem comes my way. And I have had a fair amount of problems… From me crying on our first official date, or when my car stalled out, Penny breaking your bag, us getting in trouble on the band trip, me almost getting you sick, to losing officer. You stayed with me through all of that. You’ve stuck it through with me emotionally and that’s honestly the most important thing to me in a relationship. An emotional connection.
I think it’s safe to say that we’ve developed an emotional bond. We feel each others happiness and sadness alike. While at times it might be painstakingly difficult to take on one another’s psychological burdens, it’s something I’m absolutely willing to do when it comes to you. The world is filled with terrible people, who absolutely suck. I want to face the world suckiness with you. I like facing it with you, it reminds me that we’re not alone. We could be each other’s support team. We kind of already are… I want to be there for you, the way that you are for me. I don’t ever want to see you sad. If you ever are sad, I want to sit there and in solemn sadness with you. I want to be there for you, on all of your best days, and all of your worst. Jack William (Last name here), you mean a hell of a lot to me.
I know all of this is only temporary. But it doesn’t mean that it’s unimportant, or worthless. It’s a learning experience. Maybe we’ll get married one day. Maybe we won’t even make it to four months (I really hope that’s not the case). But who’s to know? I’m not an all seeing great and powerful seer. We have so much future ahead of us. I don’t know where we’ll end up in a year or so. But there’s still the here and now. And I’m so incredibly grateful for all the times we’ve had, and all the times that are yet to come.
What we have is special. And in this very moment, I love you. I make no promises for the future, as it’s incredibly unpredictable. But for now, my heart is telling me this is right. This feels right. You feel right. Maybe it’s still a bit early in the relationship to make such claims, but my heart still gets all fluttery when you’re near, and churns when you’re away. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I think that’s what love is. But who am I to know? I lack the experience. But in the here in now I feel an incredible amount for you. Love is such a heavy word often thrown around lightly.
So on this record breaking occasion, I make no promises. I never want to cause you the pain and emptiness of their brokenness. I will however “stay until the wind changes” in the wise words of Mary Poppins. In fact, I’ll stay until a storm comes. As long as the positive energy is still in the green, I’m not going anywhere.
P.S. I know I’ve been a bit up and down recently, and just know none of it is your fault. I’m still getting used to the dependency that relationships require. And just knowing that it’s okay that you’re not always there. You haven’t done anything wrong. And I won’t ever do anything rash as a result. I just constantly feel like I need you around, and I know you can’t always be, and I don’t always cope well with that. And while things were a bit easier when I was independent, and free of complications, I wasn’t near as happy as I am with you.
You totally know this was Arthur’s idea
Here are some dogs enjoying Popsicles.
(Source: Flickr / dynamutt)
The Cloak of Invisibility.
cat riding dog (wearing sunglasses)
that dog has a frickin cELL PHONE WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL IS THIS
He was in my sleep again. But we were broken up… But then we got back together. I dunno, his ex liked my pro pic of me being all single now, and then she showed up in what kinda started out a nightmare I guess. But then he showed up and we got back together and like conquered the world together. I dunno it sounds dumb but I still miss him so much.
Happy National Dog Day from some of my favorite boarders! 🐶 #nationaldogday